Foster Parenting: Chapter 3: Barbie Trauma

Foster Parenting: Chapter 3.  Barbie Trauma and More

            For some reason we went to the store and bought two new beds for the house.  While I was looking at the instructions with pictures of how it connect “A” to “B”, our phone rang. It was Children Services calling because they heard we had two beds available. Two sisters ages 3 and 4 were in need of a home and ours would be perfect for them. The case worker explained that their mom and dad had some substance abuse and mental issues to work through and their kids needed a place to stay. The boys went to other homes, but they really wanted to keep the girls together.  Just for a couple weeks or until the parents get everything straightened out.  We said okay.

            Just as I hung up the phone, Kari said, “There is a car in our driveway.”  It was the sisters. Cute as could be, one blonde, one brunette. One is chatty (in baby language), the other may be mute or autistic the case worker only knew she didn't talk. We put them in their new bedroom to let them play with toys awhile.  Two minutes later the screaming started.  I can only guess the fuss was over a toy they both wanted. We got them settled down and gave them both Barbies to play with. Five minutes after that the screaming started again, this time it was Kari. I hurried to the room to investigate, and there was Kari trying to dress two nude toddlers who were playing with Barbies in ways that would make a mom's hair stand on end.  This behavior had not been discussed in our training sessions.

Being professional parents, we handled the situation with calm and patience. She told me to boil the Barbies while she dressed the sisters in pajamas. She then lectured the little darlings on proper doll play.  She left the room but left the door open and the baby gate up.  When she came back to the girls, they were both naked again.

NOTE:  Did you know if you put footie pajamas on backwards so the zipper is in the back and fasten them at the top with a diaper pin, you can prevent a lot of trauma in your life?

            The other behavior that was new to us is called, “Night Terrors”.  It is like a bad dream that occurs subconsciously and the child wakes up screaming.  In the morning they don’t remember the behavior. All you can do is keep them safe until they settle down. The girls woke up at least once nearly every night. Sometimes they would be crying out “Doggy, Doggy”. As they grew more comfortable sharing, their story began to unfold. They painted a picture of a household consisting of neglect, drugs, child prostitution, cult like rituals, and physical abuse. Needless to say, the two weeks turned into many years of therapy that continued into adulthood.

            How do you prepare for that? Our “special training” in the 1980s didn’t cover  this cover this type of behavior. Prescription medication for a toddler was uncommon and hard for the psychiatrist to decide what was best.  So, Kari did what she knew best. She mothered them. She read them stories, bought them dolls (with clothes that wouldn’t come off), dressed them in Polly Flinders dresses, took them to dance classes, and kept them under adult supervision at all times.

            We did what we try to do with all our kids. Teach them how to behave, bathe, brush their teeth, and get dressed.  We showed them how to live in a normal family.

            Normal?  We were as normal as our family could pretend to be. We certainly weren’t typical. A typical family doesn’t hear the fire alarm in church and immediately know who was responsible. A typical parent doesn’t continue shopping while their child is lying on the floor throwing a tantrum. I was sure I would make an appearance on “America’s Most Wanted”, with several videos of me carrying screaming little girls wearing frilly dresses and tap shoes from public places. They would probably call me the “Polly Flinders Kidnapper”.

            Although we only had them for a few short years, we must have made an impression. It has been decades and they still refer to us as “Mom and Dad”.  Occasionally, around the holidays one of them will call collect from prison just to let us know they are thinking about us. I am joking. A little. It is true that even though many of our kids are grown and have left our home, we still hear from some of them from time to time.  They have become part of our extended family.  They drop by or call us to say, "Hi." Some are looking for childhood pictures or they need Kari for some motherly advice.  We have had kids call us 10 years afters leaving our home to let us know they appreciate their time with us.  Recently, one of our kids who is now thirty something called at 2:00am (which is never a good time to get a call) to have Kari talk him down from an "episode".  

To summarize this chapter remember these notes to self:

1.  When you are a licensed foster parent never buy extra beds unless you expect them to get used in the near future.
2.  Get used to surprises. No matter what training you have had, reality will teach you a lesson faster than you can call your therapist for help.
3.  The lives you have touched may leave your home for a variety of reasons.  Somewhere in their heart you may have planted a seed that will take root years later and prompt a phone call to thank you.

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_Doug Lambert has been a Foster/Adoptive parent since 1980. He is not a Licensed Social Worker, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or any other kind of doctor. He lives with his wife Kari who is the driving force behind making a difference in children’s lives.  Observations made in this blog are based on experiences. Names and pictures do not represent foster children past or present.