Foster Parenting: Chapter 6 Vacations

How We Roll

          When you become a foster family a couple of things happen to your social life. Your friends who aren’t foster parents begin to drop off the grid. You attend a neighbors cookout and pretty soon you are eating a hamburger with one hand while lovingly keeping "Little Johnny" from touching the fire with the other. After you leave a party once or twice with a kid hanging under each arm, your invitations become scarce. Soon you will have new friends.

This is our family

This is how your old friends see you now.

The Foster families you meet while at training conferences become lifetime friends. We started planning our own outings. We would get together in a public place to visit and help police each other’s children as if they were our own. Occasionally, several families would get together at a hotel with an indoor swimming pool, playground and pool table. The kids that could play, did. Those that couldn’t sat at the feet of their foster parent while we talked about kids, case workers, and legal methods of discipline. Sometimes the children didn’t like to sit still so they began to “act out”. I learned some things on our outings that I had never thought of before. 

One evening while we were sitting by the hotel pool eating pizza and listening to music, I learned that if a child wanted to they could pull down their swim suit and insert both hands into their rectum. I did not know that. Reason #8 to never accept a sandwich from this child.


When we were younger and just had two or three kids we could find a hotel on a beach. Once we outgrew that option we started getting two and three bedroom condos. Now we have to find a big house close to the attractions.

This themed house in Florida sleeps 25 and comes with costumes. https://www.vrbo.com/477872

If you are still able to get into a hotel or condo, try to get the ground floor. That way, your neighbors won’t be bothered by your foster child banging their helmet on the floor above them. Also, your kids can't spit on someone from the balcony.

Vacations. I have said before, you can be stuck in a house full of kids or you can be stuck in a house on a beach or Disney World with kids. We have traveled many miles with other foster/adoption families. When you are in line for a ride at the parks and the cast member asks, "How many in your party?" and you reply, "20", they take a look behind you and then do their best so you can all ride at the same time.

Here we are with one of our fellow travelling families.

The trip may be harder and more expensive with extra kids but when you think about it this may be the first time your foster child has ever seen the beach, an amusement park, a cruise ship, or even been across state lines (legally).

Click here for more blogs by Doug on this topic

_Doug Lambert has been a Foster/Adoptive parent since 1980. He is not a Licensed Social Worker, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or any other kind of doctor. He lives with his wife Kari who is the driving force behind making a difference in children’s lives.  Observations made in this blog are based on experiences. Names and pictures do not represent foster children past or present.

Foster Parenting: Chapter 5 Communication

Chapter 5.  Communication
also know as, "Talking To the Wall"

I will admit that I am a verbal rambler.  Something inside me feels that the more I explain something to the child that eventually a light will turn on above their head and they will get it.  Boom. Lesson learned. Moral delivered.  Wisdom ensued.

It is more like, Eyes glazed, attention diverted, or "Are you through?"  They are only hearing the same sound Charlie Brown's teacher makes.

This path of behavior management will make you say things you have never thought about saying before and hearing things you didn't expect to hear.




Such as:

A child walks into the bedroom early one morning and asks,

“Can I take a bath?”

“Why?”

“Because, I got poop in my hair.”

“Well then, please, take a bath.”

Three year old says:

“My uncle has a gun.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because, he showed it to my grandma when he took her fifty dollars.”

“Did you wet your bed?”

“Not twice”

2:00am
"Hey, grandma. Can I borrow some scissors."
"Why"
"I have to cut the cat loose from my bed."

"Can we have a pineapple tree?"
"Pineapples don't grow on trees."
"Yes they do."
"I have been to Hawaii and I have seen huge fields of pineapples growing like corn."
"Now, I know you are lying."

"Did you stick a coin in the outlet?"

"Not a quarter."

True Story:  I am driving the car with two foster kids in the back.  It is dark and the little one mentions he is afraid of a blanket in the back seat.  I told him that there aren’t any blanket monsters and not to be afraid. I told him he could be up a blanket if it tried anything. Then it went downhill from there:  He said, “I’ll beat him up. I’ll be like Michael Myers and get knife and stab him.”

Then the other one jumped in and said, “Yeah, we’ll stab her, cut her up and put her in garbage bags, and take her somewhere…”  

I realized we were no longer talking about blankets and said, “Whoa! We are done talking about that now.”  What bothered me the most about that conversation was the fact that he already had a plan.

Here is one of the times I tried to talk sense into a child:

The incident started when someone threw something at him on the playground.  He walked over to the kid and punched him straight in the glasses.  I tried to explain that he now had to work to earn money to pay for the glasses.  He just says, “Since I don’t have a job, I’ll just have to steal it.”

We were driving home from school and I was trying to make him feel sorry for what he did.  He said the kid deserved to be punched in the face.  I reminded him that he is now suspended from school and the school is punishing him for his behavior.  He said it doesn’t matter because he has been suspended a thousand times. I tried to use logic to explain why he should learn from his mistakes.

I said, “If every time you walk through a door you bump your head what should you learn to do?”

He says, “I didn’t realize I had grown so much and I keep hitting my head.”

“No,” I said, “You learn to duck!  If you walk across the yard and you step into a hole what should you learn?”

He says, “I know, I keep stepping into that same hole every time!”

“No.” I said, “You should learn to walk around the hole.  Let’s talk about stealing.  If you steal five dollars from someone, you should give it back. Right?”

He says, “I would, but I hid it somewhere and I can’t find it.”

I decided to stop trying to explain things to him or I would unfasten his seat belt just before the next left turn.

We finally found his weakness.  We told him we would have to sell some of his toys to pay for the broken glasses.  He broke down in tears.  He said he was sorry for punching the kid.  He said he would never steal again.  He said he would work hard for the money.

Finally, he expressed that empathy I was looking for.

The next morning his teacher called to let us know that she found $13 dollars in his pockets and that he had already purchased about 15 pencils from the vending machine.  Oh yeah, and he punched a kid for no reason.

Then this happened....

One of our young lads in second grade was allowed to pick a prize from the teacher's reward box.

 He chose a sheriff's badge and promptly attached it to his shirt.  Later he walk up to the teacher and pointed is finger guns and her and said, "Put you hands up".  
She thought he was cute and put her hands in the air and said, "Oh, officer what did I do?"  
Our young sheriff looked up at her and replied, "You been a Ho."  

She said it took all of her strength to not burst out laughing while explaining why that was inappropriate.

Questions you ask but never expect an answer?

“Who pooped in the cat box?”

“Where are your pants?”

"Where are your shoes".

“Do you want me to stop this car and let you walk home?”  Never say that to a five year old with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  He just looked out the window and asked, “Should I go to the white house or the red house?”  Later I stopped the van at an intersection and he said, “Should I get out here?”

To sum up let me pass on these words of experience. You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can be used to draw you into an argument you cannot win.  Tell them you already know the truth and give them the consequence.  Tell them if they really want to talk about it they can save it for their session with their therapist.  This does two things.  It redirects the argument away from you and it will help the therapist to understand why you have that twitch in your eye.

Click here for more blogs by Doug on this topic

_Doug Lambert has been a Foster/Adoptive parent since 1980. He is not a Licensed Social Worker, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or any other kind of doctor. He lives with his wife Kari who is the driving force behind making a difference in children’s lives.  Observations made in this blog are based on experiences. Names and pictures do not represent foster children past or present.

Foster Parenting: Chapter 4. The Shark Is Real

The Shark Is Real

Chapter 4

We learned a lot during the first few years. You get pretty good with diagnosis acronyms that speak volumes about the child just by their names. Here are a few we learned over time with our little ones:

ADD/ADHD:  Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

RAD: Reactive Attachment Disorder

PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

ODD: Oppositional Defiance Disorder

            We picked up on the acronyms and began to use them in our own vocabulary. We are still learning how to administer treatment for kids with these conditions. Getting together with other foster families and sharing stories help immensely.

PTSD and Amusement Parks

         

   We got a couple of country boys just before we packed up our 15 passenger van and headed to Orlando for a fun filled week of parks and attractions.  We went with a foster family who also had their 15 passenger van loaded with kids.   

            By the time we got to Florida we noticed the boys scratching their arms. Kari concluded it was scabies. Tiny little mites under the skin.  By this time in our fostering experience we had a very good relationship with our family doctor and pharmacist. A few phone calls later and we had enough scabicide to treat the whole family. Because you know, an ounce of prevention…

Taking new kids on a road trip is always exciting.  You get to relive those firsts.  First time to see the ocean, first time to an amusement park, and first time screaming in terror on realistic attractions.

We should have gotten a clue earlier that week at Disney’s Hollywood Studios. The Indiana Jones Adventure is a live show where they re-enact Raiders of the Lost Ark on stage.  It has stunts, drama, and of course fire.  I noticed while bullets were ricocheting all around us that one of the brothers was flat on the ground with his hands over his head.  I tried to explain that the bullets were just sound effects. He thought somebody was really shooting at us.

            Foster children are supposed to arrive in the home with documented history. That way you don’t find things out the hard way.  These brothers 11 and 12 arrived with one change of clothes and no history.  We got a call from the case worker later, “By the way, don’t let him around matches. They have a history of starting fires and almost burned a forest down.  Could have used that tidbit a week earlier.

            So, the next day we there we were at Universal Studios waiting in line to ride Jaws!  Out in front they have a large great white shark hanging by its tail. While waiting in line a video screen is talking about recent sightings of a shark.  I am a kidder.  You know, I kid around.  The twelve year old kept asking me, “Is it a real shark?” At first I said, no.  But every few minutes he would ask me again. So, I said, “Yes, it is a real shark. But, the guy on the boat has a gun and will shoot it if it attacks the boat.”  He slipped to the back of our group, and waited with Kari.  

When our large party boarded the boat, I was in the front and Kari was in the back with Mr. Nervous. All was fine up to the part of the Jaws ride where the shark starts attacking the boat. The boat captain shoots his gun in a panic and a fuel tank explodes. You can feel the heat from the flames so hot I thought the hair on my arms was going to fall off (again). Our little Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 11 year old started screaming for everybody to get off the boat. Kari had to sit on him to keep him from going overboard. We made it back to the dock and he went into a trance for about an hour. I must say that ride left a lasting impression on everybody on that boat. 

            He didn’t ride anymore rides that featured fire that day. We would do a fire check before each attraction. Have you been to Universal Studios?  Many of the rides have fire and explosions!  I think he rode the E.T. ride 5 times.

            Because he required constant supervision he would be with me (my shadow) all day. He was an adolescent but his mental capacity was much younger.  He was a great helper. When I was building something and needed a tool or screw, he was right there handing it to me.  One day we were driving to the store and he said, “Do you think you guys will adopt us?” I thought about my answer and said, “You know how you like to help me fix stuff that is broken?” 

He nodded and I said, “Well, Kari and I fix kids that need repairs.  We have work to do and you have work to do.  Pretty soon, you boys will be all fixed up and ready to go to your new home.  Then we will start working on another kid.”  He understood that. 

            We didn’t know the extent of the abuse these boys had suffered until one day Kari gave them a haircut.  They wanted a buzz cut, which was great because that is her go to style with the clippers.  As she shaved the older boys head she was shocked to see so many scars on his scalp. Kari said it was like all of his secrets were revealed at one time.

            His brother didn’t have PTSD. Then again his head wasn’t as traumatized as his older brother.  But he did have some anger issues. His therapy allowed him to take something outside and bust it into a million pieces until he calmed down.  Basketball, wrestling, football were all outlets for his energy. Finding the right balance of medicine was crucial.  That, and keeping him away from small animals.

* No kittens were harmed during their stay.

            We had a fantastic therapist, who wasn’t afraid to get down on the floor with these boys and get to the root of the problem. Sometimes he would literally have to pull them out from under their beds to talk to them. He wrestle with them to exhaustion and then they could talk about their past. As these two tough boys broke through the anger and hurt, Kari was there to pull them to her shoulders and let them sob like toddlers. 

            Later they were adopted by a strong family with years of fostering experience. I am not saying everything was rosy between them. They carried their issues into adult hood and require health services to this day.  We know this because even after 20 years we still hear from them from time to time.

Click here for more blogs by Doug on this topic

_Doug Lambert has been a Foster/Adoptive parent since 1980. He is not a Licensed Social Worker, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or any other kind of doctor. He lives with his wife Kari who is the driving force behind making a difference in children’s lives.  Observations made in this blog are based on experiences. Names and pictures do not represent foster children past or present.

Foster Parenting: Chapter 3: Barbie Trauma

Foster Parenting: Chapter 3.  Barbie Trauma and More

            For some reason we went to the store and bought two new beds for the house.  While I was looking at the instructions with pictures of how it connect “A” to “B”, our phone rang. It was Children Services calling because they heard we had two beds available. Two sisters ages 3 and 4 were in need of a home and ours would be perfect for them. The case worker explained that their mom and dad had some substance abuse and mental issues to work through and their kids needed a place to stay. The boys went to other homes, but they really wanted to keep the girls together.  Just for a couple weeks or until the parents get everything straightened out.  We said okay.

            Just as I hung up the phone, Kari said, “There is a car in our driveway.”  It was the sisters. Cute as could be, one blonde, one brunette. One is chatty (in baby language), the other may be mute or autistic the case worker only knew she didn't talk. We put them in their new bedroom to let them play with toys awhile.  Two minutes later the screaming started.  I can only guess the fuss was over a toy they both wanted. We got them settled down and gave them both Barbies to play with. Five minutes after that the screaming started again, this time it was Kari. I hurried to the room to investigate, and there was Kari trying to dress two nude toddlers who were playing with Barbies in ways that would make a mom's hair stand on end.  This behavior had not been discussed in our training sessions.

Being professional parents, we handled the situation with calm and patience. She told me to boil the Barbies while she dressed the sisters in pajamas. She then lectured the little darlings on proper doll play.  She left the room but left the door open and the baby gate up.  When she came back to the girls, they were both naked again.

NOTE:  Did you know if you put footie pajamas on backwards so the zipper is in the back and fasten them at the top with a diaper pin, you can prevent a lot of trauma in your life?

            The other behavior that was new to us is called, “Night Terrors”.  It is like a bad dream that occurs subconsciously and the child wakes up screaming.  In the morning they don’t remember the behavior. All you can do is keep them safe until they settle down. The girls woke up at least once nearly every night. Sometimes they would be crying out “Doggy, Doggy”. As they grew more comfortable sharing, their story began to unfold. They painted a picture of a household consisting of neglect, drugs, child prostitution, cult like rituals, and physical abuse. Needless to say, the two weeks turned into many years of therapy that continued into adulthood.

            How do you prepare for that? Our “special training” in the 1980s didn’t cover  this cover this type of behavior. Prescription medication for a toddler was uncommon and hard for the psychiatrist to decide what was best.  So, Kari did what she knew best. She mothered them. She read them stories, bought them dolls (with clothes that wouldn’t come off), dressed them in Polly Flinders dresses, took them to dance classes, and kept them under adult supervision at all times.

            We did what we try to do with all our kids. Teach them how to behave, bathe, brush their teeth, and get dressed.  We showed them how to live in a normal family.

            Normal?  We were as normal as our family could pretend to be. We certainly weren’t typical. A typical family doesn’t hear the fire alarm in church and immediately know who was responsible. A typical parent doesn’t continue shopping while their child is lying on the floor throwing a tantrum. I was sure I would make an appearance on “America’s Most Wanted”, with several videos of me carrying screaming little girls wearing frilly dresses and tap shoes from public places. They would probably call me the “Polly Flinders Kidnapper”.

            Although we only had them for a few short years, we must have made an impression. It has been decades and they still refer to us as “Mom and Dad”.  Occasionally, around the holidays one of them will call collect from prison just to let us know they are thinking about us. I am joking. A little. It is true that even though many of our kids are grown and have left our home, we still hear from some of them from time to time.  They have become part of our extended family.  They drop by or call us to say, "Hi." Some are looking for childhood pictures or they need Kari for some motherly advice.  We have had kids call us 10 years afters leaving our home to let us know they appreciate their time with us.  Recently, one of our kids who is now thirty something called at 2:00am (which is never a good time to get a call) to have Kari talk him down from an "episode".  

To summarize this chapter remember these notes to self:

1.  When you are a licensed foster parent never buy extra beds unless you expect them to get used in the near future.
2.  Get used to surprises. No matter what training you have had, reality will teach you a lesson faster than you can call your therapist for help.
3.  The lives you have touched may leave your home for a variety of reasons.  Somewhere in their heart you may have planted a seed that will take root years later and prompt a phone call to thank you.

Click here for more blogs by Doug on this topic

_Doug Lambert has been a Foster/Adoptive parent since 1980. He is not a Licensed Social Worker, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or any other kind of doctor. He lives with his wife Kari who is the driving force behind making a difference in children’s lives.  Observations made in this blog are based on experiences. Names and pictures do not represent foster children past or present.

Foster Parenting: 2. To Tell the Truth

Foster Parenting:  Chapter 2 

To Tell the Truth 

Before we started the Foster Parent Training sessions, we attended an orientation meeting to give us an overall picture of what we could expect as “specialized caregivers”. They brought in a seasoned foster parent to give us a “veterans view” of life in her special home. She walked up to the front with a slight limp. She, had bags under her eyes, and wore a scarf that covered her gray hair. When she spoke her voice was slightly hoarse, but loud enough for everyone to hear.  She said, “My name is Edna and I am 32 years old.” She said, “First of all, all you women take off your name tags. Once you finish this class and have foster children in your home you will all have the same name, $-I-T-C-H.  Well, she spelled something like that.

Our first little darling.

After six months of training, finger printing, psychiatric evaluations, and a home study we were certified as a Special Needs Foster Home. Before the ink was dry on our signed copy of the hundred page book of rules and guidelines, a case worker called with a “perfect match” for our family. From this child we learned about the things they didn’t cover in class. We officially became a dysfunctional family.

“Dysfunctional?”  “What do you mean by that?”

“I thought you were a loving family that opened up their hearts and home to suffering children.” 

Yes, that is true.  We didn’t consider ourselves to be an abnormal family. But from that moment on, every other family looks at you through ‘crazy glasses’.  Your previous soccer team/ballet class/come on over for a barbecue friends begin to distance themselves.  You find yourself drawn to families like yours, where you can have conversations about the recent antics of your kids.

A child that has been neglected and abused can develop behaviors that are hard to describe to normal families. Out of neglect comes self preservation. When they have lived without enough food in the house they will hoard food and gorge themselves at meals.  Once while we were at a buffet restaurant, we let her eat until she was full.  Halfway through a bowl of ice cream she looked up at us and said, “If I throw up does that mean I can’t have more?”

Then the lying started. All kids will tell a lie. Most of them, when confronted with the truth will cave in and admit that were lying. But not “special needs” children.  For instance, you walk into the kitchen and there is bite out of the birthday cake. The wrong response from the recently trained foster parent is to say,

“Did you eat some of that cake?”

“No.”

“Yes you did. Admit it. You ate a piece of that cake.”

“No. I didn’t. Why should I admit to something I didn’t do.”

You march her down the hall to the bathroom. Tell her to look in the mirror and explain to you again that she didn’t eat the cake.  She looks into the mirror and with horror in her eyes she wipes at the chocolate that is covering her mouth and cheeks and she says, “I don’t have any idea how that got there.”

Ten minutes later, the child is sitting at the kitchen table writing 100 sentences that say, “I will ask permission to eat the cake.” Though, you never actually received a confession to the crime.

It’s not just the cake icing on the mouth, it was also the milk mustache.  And pile of candy wrappers under the pillow.  Or, the mystery shower that involved no wet tub, dry hair, and a dry towel. 

There is no end to the lying. So don’t go there. It is easier to assume your child is lying. Use your all powerful knowledge and let them know you already know the truth. Just survey the situation and make your assumption and dish out the consequences. You will go mad trying to get to the bottom of every mystery.

For those that want to persist, they should issue these to every foster parent:

 

Your very own crime scene investigation kit.  Complete with UV light, DNA swabs, and fingerprinting.

Plus, the all important yellow “DO NOT CROSS” tape.

 This way you can spend all your free time taking dental impressions of teeth marks in a block of cheese or a saliva sample from a half can of soda.

She also had this other problem of getting messy pants. We didn’t understand the psycho lingo that could be causing this issue.  It seemed like leakage to me.  You wait too long to go and then something is going to come out no matter how hard you try to stop it. This appeared to be strictly a behavioral issue. We talked to our therapist and we tried a reward system and a consequence system. Then we took her to the doctor and tried fiber and medication. In the end, (no pun intended), this was all about control. It is called Encopresis. Or to put it simply: Once you have been neglected, abused and perpetrated on, you have lost all control of these external forces.  What you still have control of is the internal. Whether this starts consciously or unconsciously, eventually, this becomes a cycle that you can no longer control.

Encopresis or fecal incontinence.  This “soiling” is the involuntary passage of stools in conjunction with constipation. It is abnormal for children over 4 years of age, and occurs in boys 3 to 1 over girls.

What can you do with this behavior? Buy lots of underwear and pull-ups and schedule frequent baths.

When you add this to lying, stubbornness, manipulation, lack of eye contact, and destructive behavior it is hard to embrace and care for the child like your natural born kids.  You have to dig deep and be a parent by profession.

We had a therapist from the Carolinas assigned to our family. She had a sweet southern spirit and believed in the adage “There are no bad children”.  One day she took our little angel out for ice cream so she could spend some one on one time with her. On her return I noticed the therapist looked a little disheveled and red faced. When I asked her how it went she just replied in her southern voice, “I’ve never come so close to strikin’ a child in all my life.”

            There you have it. Our first special needs foster child. We were caught off guard. Our training went out the window when reality walked in the door.  After a year we felt that we really had a handle on this parenting thing and figured we were now well experienced and could not be surprised by anything.

Cue explosive laughter from audience.

Click here for more blogs by Doug on this topic

_Doug Lambert has been a Foster/Adoptive parent since 1980. He is not a Licensed Social Worker, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or any other kind of doctor. He lives with his wife Kari who is the driving force behind making a difference in children’s lives.  Observations made in this blog are based on experiences. Names and pictures do not represent foster children past or present.

Foster Parenting: Chapter 1. Why Foster?

Foster Parenting: Chapter One

Why Become A Foster Parent?

            “It takes a special person to do what you do” 

“You must have the patience of Job”

“There’s a special place in heaven for you guys”

“Ya’ll’s crazy!”  *most accurate

There could be a lot of reasons we do this.  Sheltering children, serving humanity, or we just have extra hugs we don’t know what to do with. The real reason is much simpler.  Money.  So much money, it is hard to find the time to count it all.  If you are looking to quit your regular 40 hour a week job so you can stay at home and just wait for the checks to roll in, then this is the job for you.

Don’t think of it as an hourly rate. Since you are basically on call 24 hours a day it is hard to come up with a figure. The other day I was thinking, “I am going to go count all my money, as soon as I finish scrubbing this poop off the wall.”  But, by the time I finished someone had put their foot through the ceiling and I had to go buy some drywall. Note: You will need a lot of drywall in this job.

            You do get time to think about all your money. Like the day we were at Disney World and I had to put one of our kids in a basket hold so he couldn’t hurt himself or me, I was thinking about the $150.00 ticket I had spent on him to come in with us. If it wasn’t for Children Services allowing us to open up our hearts and home for this little guy, I would never have had the money to bring him.

Another time, I spent the evening in a padded cell at the local psychiatric hospital waiting for an evaluation of a 9 year old.  He lettered in many diagnoses, ADD, ADHD, ODD, RAD, and BAD. This room had padded walls, a bench to sit on, and one door with a tiny window. The only thing on the wall was a large RED button with a sign that read, “In case of emergency.”  For three hours he paced back and forth in front of the button asking if it was an emergency. I didn’t answer him because I was thinking about the extra money I had to buy ibuprofen on the way home.

* Note: You will need a regular dose of Ibuprofen in this job.

You will have so much money; you will find yourself daydreaming of things to spend it on.

Such as:

Trading in your sports car in for a 15 passenger van.  

➤

A camper (because your “special” kids can get you kicked out of hotels).

A swimming pool (because your kids are no longer allowed at the public pools).

New/used furniture.

Fire Alarms, Door Alarms, Lock boxes (for knives and medicine).

Clothes (because they usually come empty handed).

Private schools.

Vacations (You can be stuck in the house with the kids or you can be stuck in the house on a beach with the kids).

Sorry. I guess I can get a little carried away. The media tends to make the money or to put it correctly, the per diem, the central reason we choose to be foster parents. Anyone who has done this for a while will assure you, nobody is getting rich being a foster parent. So, if it isn't for money why do it?

            Our beginning…

Before we were married, we shared a common belief in the sanctity of human life. We believed that children were a gift of God, and that compelled us to action.  It was my darling wife's heart that led us to consider foster care. We attended weeks of classes, completed a background check, and had our house inspected.

Within six months of our marriage we were licensed with Lutheran Social Services as foster parents. They sponsored young mothers who had made the decision to carry their baby to term, but knew it was best for that baby to be placed in an adoptive home. Newborn infants were placed in our care until the courts granted custody to the newly adoptive parents. The Money? Let’s just say the cost of diapers, baby clothes, and baby furniture outweighed the reimbursement. Why do it? If you could just imagine for a moment how my wife felt the first time she took the baby boy that lived with us for his first two months and passed him into the arms of his new forever family, you’d know why. She was sad and happy that day. She was sad for the loss of the baby and happy for where he was going. But alas, a license foster home is a vacuum and an empty bed doesn’t stay empty for long. 

I think the phone rang about three minutes later with another placement.

A Mother’s Heart

The idea of fostering usually comes from the nurturing one in the family. In our home that would be my wife, Kari.  We shared the same world view of children, but, I didn’t think that meant turning a three bedroom home into six bedroom institution. The band U2 has a song called, “Tryin’ To Throw Your Arms Around the World.” It reminds me of Kari.  Babies from Russia, China, Mexico, and Ohio need homes. But, we can’t take them all!  Someone in the relationship has to say, “Hey, wait a minute. Let’s think about this.” I feel like I am a soundboard for these impulses. I like to call myself, “A voice of reason”. Kari likes to refer to me as, “A heartless S.O.B.”

The truth is, in our years of marriage I have learned that if Kari thinks something is right for our family, it probably is. I spent over 30 years on Active Duty with the Air Force and Air National Guard so I got to go to work during the day. If she thought she could handle the kids then bring’em on. I’d help with cooking, driving, and fixing the stuff that the kids broke. If there was an emergency, I wasn’t far from home. And, after 35 years of fostering I am well rounded in children’s entertainment. From Mario Brothers, Care Bears, and Raffi; to Spongebob, Shrek, and the Veggie Tales.

The Bottom Line

If you believe there are children in need you are free to make a choice.  You can:

1. Do nothing.

2. Become a professional at telling parents what they are doing wrong.

3. Or, buckle up, put your hands in the air, and get ready for the ride of your life.

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_Doug Lambert has been a Foster/Adoptive parent since 1980. He is not a Licensed Social Worker, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or any other kind of doctor. He lives with his wife Kari who is the driving force behind making a difference in children’s lives.  Observations made in this blog are based on experiences. Names and pictures do not represent foster children past or present.