Foster Parenting: Chapter 6 Vacations

How We Roll

          When you become a foster family a couple of things happen to your social life. Your friends who aren’t foster parents begin to drop off the grid. You attend a neighbors cookout and pretty soon you are eating a hamburger with one hand while lovingly keeping "Little Johnny" from touching the fire with the other. After you leave a party once or twice with a kid hanging under each arm, your invitations become scarce. Soon you will have new friends.

This is our family

This is how your old friends see you now.

The Foster families you meet while at training conferences become lifetime friends. We started planning our own outings. We would get together in a public place to visit and help police each other’s children as if they were our own. Occasionally, several families would get together at a hotel with an indoor swimming pool, playground and pool table. The kids that could play, did. Those that couldn’t sat at the feet of their foster parent while we talked about kids, case workers, and legal methods of discipline. Sometimes the children didn’t like to sit still so they began to “act out”. I learned some things on our outings that I had never thought of before. 

One evening while we were sitting by the hotel pool eating pizza and listening to music, I learned that if a child wanted to they could pull down their swim suit and insert both hands into their rectum. I did not know that. Reason #8 to never accept a sandwich from this child.


When we were younger and just had two or three kids we could find a hotel on a beach. Once we outgrew that option we started getting two and three bedroom condos. Now we have to find a big house close to the attractions.

This themed house in Florida sleeps 25 and comes with costumes. https://www.vrbo.com/477872

If you are still able to get into a hotel or condo, try to get the ground floor. That way, your neighbors won’t be bothered by your foster child banging their helmet on the floor above them. Also, your kids can't spit on someone from the balcony.

Vacations. I have said before, you can be stuck in a house full of kids or you can be stuck in a house on a beach or Disney World with kids. We have traveled many miles with other foster/adoption families. When you are in line for a ride at the parks and the cast member asks, "How many in your party?" and you reply, "20", they take a look behind you and then do their best so you can all ride at the same time.

Here we are with one of our fellow travelling families.

The trip may be harder and more expensive with extra kids but when you think about it this may be the first time your foster child has ever seen the beach, an amusement park, a cruise ship, or even been across state lines (legally).

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_Doug Lambert has been a Foster/Adoptive parent since 1980. He is not a Licensed Social Worker, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or any other kind of doctor. He lives with his wife Kari who is the driving force behind making a difference in children’s lives.  Observations made in this blog are based on experiences. Names and pictures do not represent foster children past or present.

Foster Parenting: Chapter 5 Communication

Chapter 5.  Communication
also know as, "Talking To the Wall"

I will admit that I am a verbal rambler.  Something inside me feels that the more I explain something to the child that eventually a light will turn on above their head and they will get it.  Boom. Lesson learned. Moral delivered.  Wisdom ensued.

It is more like, Eyes glazed, attention diverted, or "Are you through?"  They are only hearing the same sound Charlie Brown's teacher makes.

This path of behavior management will make you say things you have never thought about saying before and hearing things you didn't expect to hear.




Such as:

A child walks into the bedroom early one morning and asks,

“Can I take a bath?”

“Why?”

“Because, I got poop in my hair.”

“Well then, please, take a bath.”

Three year old says:

“My uncle has a gun.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because, he showed it to my grandma when he took her fifty dollars.”

“Did you wet your bed?”

“Not twice”

2:00am
"Hey, grandma. Can I borrow some scissors."
"Why"
"I have to cut the cat loose from my bed."

"Can we have a pineapple tree?"
"Pineapples don't grow on trees."
"Yes they do."
"I have been to Hawaii and I have seen huge fields of pineapples growing like corn."
"Now, I know you are lying."

"Did you stick a coin in the outlet?"

"Not a quarter."

True Story:  I am driving the car with two foster kids in the back.  It is dark and the little one mentions he is afraid of a blanket in the back seat.  I told him that there aren’t any blanket monsters and not to be afraid. I told him he could be up a blanket if it tried anything. Then it went downhill from there:  He said, “I’ll beat him up. I’ll be like Michael Myers and get knife and stab him.”

Then the other one jumped in and said, “Yeah, we’ll stab her, cut her up and put her in garbage bags, and take her somewhere…”  

I realized we were no longer talking about blankets and said, “Whoa! We are done talking about that now.”  What bothered me the most about that conversation was the fact that he already had a plan.

Here is one of the times I tried to talk sense into a child:

The incident started when someone threw something at him on the playground.  He walked over to the kid and punched him straight in the glasses.  I tried to explain that he now had to work to earn money to pay for the glasses.  He just says, “Since I don’t have a job, I’ll just have to steal it.”

We were driving home from school and I was trying to make him feel sorry for what he did.  He said the kid deserved to be punched in the face.  I reminded him that he is now suspended from school and the school is punishing him for his behavior.  He said it doesn’t matter because he has been suspended a thousand times. I tried to use logic to explain why he should learn from his mistakes.

I said, “If every time you walk through a door you bump your head what should you learn to do?”

He says, “I didn’t realize I had grown so much and I keep hitting my head.”

“No,” I said, “You learn to duck!  If you walk across the yard and you step into a hole what should you learn?”

He says, “I know, I keep stepping into that same hole every time!”

“No.” I said, “You should learn to walk around the hole.  Let’s talk about stealing.  If you steal five dollars from someone, you should give it back. Right?”

He says, “I would, but I hid it somewhere and I can’t find it.”

I decided to stop trying to explain things to him or I would unfasten his seat belt just before the next left turn.

We finally found his weakness.  We told him we would have to sell some of his toys to pay for the broken glasses.  He broke down in tears.  He said he was sorry for punching the kid.  He said he would never steal again.  He said he would work hard for the money.

Finally, he expressed that empathy I was looking for.

The next morning his teacher called to let us know that she found $13 dollars in his pockets and that he had already purchased about 15 pencils from the vending machine.  Oh yeah, and he punched a kid for no reason.

Then this happened....

One of our young lads in second grade was allowed to pick a prize from the teacher's reward box.

 He chose a sheriff's badge and promptly attached it to his shirt.  Later he walk up to the teacher and pointed is finger guns and her and said, "Put you hands up".  
She thought he was cute and put her hands in the air and said, "Oh, officer what did I do?"  
Our young sheriff looked up at her and replied, "You been a Ho."  

She said it took all of her strength to not burst out laughing while explaining why that was inappropriate.

Questions you ask but never expect an answer?

“Who pooped in the cat box?”

“Where are your pants?”

"Where are your shoes".

“Do you want me to stop this car and let you walk home?”  Never say that to a five year old with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  He just looked out the window and asked, “Should I go to the white house or the red house?”  Later I stopped the van at an intersection and he said, “Should I get out here?”

To sum up let me pass on these words of experience. You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can be used to draw you into an argument you cannot win.  Tell them you already know the truth and give them the consequence.  Tell them if they really want to talk about it they can save it for their session with their therapist.  This does two things.  It redirects the argument away from you and it will help the therapist to understand why you have that twitch in your eye.

Click here for more blogs by Doug on this topic

_Doug Lambert has been a Foster/Adoptive parent since 1980. He is not a Licensed Social Worker, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or any other kind of doctor. He lives with his wife Kari who is the driving force behind making a difference in children’s lives.  Observations made in this blog are based on experiences. Names and pictures do not represent foster children past or present.

Foster Parenting: Chapter 4. The Shark Is Real

The Shark Is Real

Chapter 4

We learned a lot during the first few years. You get pretty good with diagnosis acronyms that speak volumes about the child just by their names. Here are a few we learned over time with our little ones:

ADD/ADHD:  Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

RAD: Reactive Attachment Disorder

PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

ODD: Oppositional Defiance Disorder

            We picked up on the acronyms and began to use them in our own vocabulary. We are still learning how to administer treatment for kids with these conditions. Getting together with other foster families and sharing stories help immensely.

PTSD and Amusement Parks

         

   We got a couple of country boys just before we packed up our 15 passenger van and headed to Orlando for a fun filled week of parks and attractions.  We went with a foster family who also had their 15 passenger van loaded with kids.   

            By the time we got to Florida we noticed the boys scratching their arms. Kari concluded it was scabies. Tiny little mites under the skin.  By this time in our fostering experience we had a very good relationship with our family doctor and pharmacist. A few phone calls later and we had enough scabicide to treat the whole family. Because you know, an ounce of prevention…

Taking new kids on a road trip is always exciting.  You get to relive those firsts.  First time to see the ocean, first time to an amusement park, and first time screaming in terror on realistic attractions.

We should have gotten a clue earlier that week at Disney’s Hollywood Studios. The Indiana Jones Adventure is a live show where they re-enact Raiders of the Lost Ark on stage.  It has stunts, drama, and of course fire.  I noticed while bullets were ricocheting all around us that one of the brothers was flat on the ground with his hands over his head.  I tried to explain that the bullets were just sound effects. He thought somebody was really shooting at us.

            Foster children are supposed to arrive in the home with documented history. That way you don’t find things out the hard way.  These brothers 11 and 12 arrived with one change of clothes and no history.  We got a call from the case worker later, “By the way, don’t let him around matches. They have a history of starting fires and almost burned a forest down.  Could have used that tidbit a week earlier.

            So, the next day we there we were at Universal Studios waiting in line to ride Jaws!  Out in front they have a large great white shark hanging by its tail. While waiting in line a video screen is talking about recent sightings of a shark.  I am a kidder.  You know, I kid around.  The twelve year old kept asking me, “Is it a real shark?” At first I said, no.  But every few minutes he would ask me again. So, I said, “Yes, it is a real shark. But, the guy on the boat has a gun and will shoot it if it attacks the boat.”  He slipped to the back of our group, and waited with Kari.  

When our large party boarded the boat, I was in the front and Kari was in the back with Mr. Nervous. All was fine up to the part of the Jaws ride where the shark starts attacking the boat. The boat captain shoots his gun in a panic and a fuel tank explodes. You can feel the heat from the flames so hot I thought the hair on my arms was going to fall off (again). Our little Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 11 year old started screaming for everybody to get off the boat. Kari had to sit on him to keep him from going overboard. We made it back to the dock and he went into a trance for about an hour. I must say that ride left a lasting impression on everybody on that boat. 

            He didn’t ride anymore rides that featured fire that day. We would do a fire check before each attraction. Have you been to Universal Studios?  Many of the rides have fire and explosions!  I think he rode the E.T. ride 5 times.

            Because he required constant supervision he would be with me (my shadow) all day. He was an adolescent but his mental capacity was much younger.  He was a great helper. When I was building something and needed a tool or screw, he was right there handing it to me.  One day we were driving to the store and he said, “Do you think you guys will adopt us?” I thought about my answer and said, “You know how you like to help me fix stuff that is broken?” 

He nodded and I said, “Well, Kari and I fix kids that need repairs.  We have work to do and you have work to do.  Pretty soon, you boys will be all fixed up and ready to go to your new home.  Then we will start working on another kid.”  He understood that. 

            We didn’t know the extent of the abuse these boys had suffered until one day Kari gave them a haircut.  They wanted a buzz cut, which was great because that is her go to style with the clippers.  As she shaved the older boys head she was shocked to see so many scars on his scalp. Kari said it was like all of his secrets were revealed at one time.

            His brother didn’t have PTSD. Then again his head wasn’t as traumatized as his older brother.  But he did have some anger issues. His therapy allowed him to take something outside and bust it into a million pieces until he calmed down.  Basketball, wrestling, football were all outlets for his energy. Finding the right balance of medicine was crucial.  That, and keeping him away from small animals.

* No kittens were harmed during their stay.

            We had a fantastic therapist, who wasn’t afraid to get down on the floor with these boys and get to the root of the problem. Sometimes he would literally have to pull them out from under their beds to talk to them. He wrestle with them to exhaustion and then they could talk about their past. As these two tough boys broke through the anger and hurt, Kari was there to pull them to her shoulders and let them sob like toddlers. 

            Later they were adopted by a strong family with years of fostering experience. I am not saying everything was rosy between them. They carried their issues into adult hood and require health services to this day.  We know this because even after 20 years we still hear from them from time to time.

Click here for more blogs by Doug on this topic

_Doug Lambert has been a Foster/Adoptive parent since 1980. He is not a Licensed Social Worker, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or any other kind of doctor. He lives with his wife Kari who is the driving force behind making a difference in children’s lives.  Observations made in this blog are based on experiences. Names and pictures do not represent foster children past or present.