Foster Parenting: Chapter 5 Communication

Chapter 5.  Communication
also know as, "Talking To the Wall"

I will admit that I am a verbal rambler.  Something inside me feels that the more I explain something to the child that eventually a light will turn on above their head and they will get it.  Boom. Lesson learned. Moral delivered.  Wisdom ensued.

It is more like, Eyes glazed, attention diverted, or "Are you through?"  They are only hearing the same sound Charlie Brown's teacher makes.

This path of behavior management will make you say things you have never thought about saying before and hearing things you didn't expect to hear.




Such as:

A child walks into the bedroom early one morning and asks,

“Can I take a bath?”

“Why?”

“Because, I got poop in my hair.”

“Well then, please, take a bath.”

Three year old says:

“My uncle has a gun.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because, he showed it to my grandma when he took her fifty dollars.”

“Did you wet your bed?”

“Not twice”

2:00am
"Hey, grandma. Can I borrow some scissors."
"Why"
"I have to cut the cat loose from my bed."

"Can we have a pineapple tree?"
"Pineapples don't grow on trees."
"Yes they do."
"I have been to Hawaii and I have seen huge fields of pineapples growing like corn."
"Now, I know you are lying."

"Did you stick a coin in the outlet?"

"Not a quarter."

True Story:  I am driving the car with two foster kids in the back.  It is dark and the little one mentions he is afraid of a blanket in the back seat.  I told him that there aren’t any blanket monsters and not to be afraid. I told him he could be up a blanket if it tried anything. Then it went downhill from there:  He said, “I’ll beat him up. I’ll be like Michael Myers and get knife and stab him.”

Then the other one jumped in and said, “Yeah, we’ll stab her, cut her up and put her in garbage bags, and take her somewhere…”  

I realized we were no longer talking about blankets and said, “Whoa! We are done talking about that now.”  What bothered me the most about that conversation was the fact that he already had a plan.

Here is one of the times I tried to talk sense into a child:

The incident started when someone threw something at him on the playground.  He walked over to the kid and punched him straight in the glasses.  I tried to explain that he now had to work to earn money to pay for the glasses.  He just says, “Since I don’t have a job, I’ll just have to steal it.”

We were driving home from school and I was trying to make him feel sorry for what he did.  He said the kid deserved to be punched in the face.  I reminded him that he is now suspended from school and the school is punishing him for his behavior.  He said it doesn’t matter because he has been suspended a thousand times. I tried to use logic to explain why he should learn from his mistakes.

I said, “If every time you walk through a door you bump your head what should you learn to do?”

He says, “I didn’t realize I had grown so much and I keep hitting my head.”

“No,” I said, “You learn to duck!  If you walk across the yard and you step into a hole what should you learn?”

He says, “I know, I keep stepping into that same hole every time!”

“No.” I said, “You should learn to walk around the hole.  Let’s talk about stealing.  If you steal five dollars from someone, you should give it back. Right?”

He says, “I would, but I hid it somewhere and I can’t find it.”

I decided to stop trying to explain things to him or I would unfasten his seat belt just before the next left turn.

We finally found his weakness.  We told him we would have to sell some of his toys to pay for the broken glasses.  He broke down in tears.  He said he was sorry for punching the kid.  He said he would never steal again.  He said he would work hard for the money.

Finally, he expressed that empathy I was looking for.

The next morning his teacher called to let us know that she found $13 dollars in his pockets and that he had already purchased about 15 pencils from the vending machine.  Oh yeah, and he punched a kid for no reason.

Then this happened....

One of our young lads in second grade was allowed to pick a prize from the teacher's reward box.

 He chose a sheriff's badge and promptly attached it to his shirt.  Later he walk up to the teacher and pointed is finger guns and her and said, "Put you hands up".  
She thought he was cute and put her hands in the air and said, "Oh, officer what did I do?"  
Our young sheriff looked up at her and replied, "You been a Ho."  

She said it took all of her strength to not burst out laughing while explaining why that was inappropriate.

Questions you ask but never expect an answer?

“Who pooped in the cat box?”

“Where are your pants?”

"Where are your shoes".

“Do you want me to stop this car and let you walk home?”  Never say that to a five year old with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  He just looked out the window and asked, “Should I go to the white house or the red house?”  Later I stopped the van at an intersection and he said, “Should I get out here?”

To sum up let me pass on these words of experience. You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can be used to draw you into an argument you cannot win.  Tell them you already know the truth and give them the consequence.  Tell them if they really want to talk about it they can save it for their session with their therapist.  This does two things.  It redirects the argument away from you and it will help the therapist to understand why you have that twitch in your eye.

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_Doug Lambert has been a Foster/Adoptive parent since 1980. He is not a Licensed Social Worker, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or any other kind of doctor. He lives with his wife Kari who is the driving force behind making a difference in children’s lives.  Observations made in this blog are based on experiences. Names and pictures do not represent foster children past or present.